Courageous confrontation

I learned from my mentor that in most organizations (especially churches), most people in authority would rather make rules than deal with a person directly. It takes less time, effort and emotional energy to simply make a rule (which typically applies to a few people, or even a lone individual) than to sit down with a person and coach them through a weakness, blind spot, or failure.

This sort of system simply develops mindless robots, not leaders. Leaders think, followers do. Isn't the goal to get people doing the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do (and it makes sense), rather than because it's a punishable offense? If we'll courageously confront the behavior based on agreed-upon core values, people are more willing to cooperate. And they'll become a part of the solution, rather than a disconnected, disgruntled part of the problem.

I took too long in confronting one member of our team early on in our church planting journey. This person was quite dramatic and needed to be the center of attention, and it was getting frustrating to us and the rest of the team. Since I really felt they were supposed to be with us, I didn't want to just hammer them (which would have crushed them). I took things slowly and methodically... but never really got to the heart of the matter. To be honest, it was the result of fear... this person was a valuable part of our team (with incredible gifting... a real producer) and I didn't want to lose them. So I reasoned that if I took it slow I could keep them and salvage the relationship.

This turned out to be a mistake. I thought they would be with us a long time, but they left six weeks after I started "grinding off the rough edges." They found someone who was willing to stroke their ego and lead them to another church. (Of course we sent them off with our blessing.) As a result, I was never able to help them grow beyond this personality (character) flaw because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

We are called to use our influence to help sharpen the people around us. (Just as iron sharpens iron, a person sharpens the character of his friend. - Proverbs 27:17) But I failed to do that with this individual.

Actually, in his amazing book "Good to Great", Jim Collins says that failure to confront, or as he puts it, "get the wrong people off the bus" hurts our credibility as leaders. And it can cause our top producers (who already realize that a change needs to take place) to be less satisfied and committed.

All said and done, I wasn't showing this person or my other team members the respect they deserved. After this person left I apologized to those affected, and also to the person. It's one thing to say we desire to help everyone reach their potential, but it's a totally different thing to actually be committed enough to do it. I have since determined to confront when the need arises, and teach my team how to do so biblically. And I've asked my staff to hold me accountable.

So how do you handle confrontation in your organization/workplace/church/family?

Those who make the journey with you...

I was going through some photos from our Watermark launch team days.  It was fun to look back and see how far we've come.

One thing struck me, though.  As I looked at one of the earliest launch team photos we have on the web I noticed that of the 10 people in the picture, only six of us remain in Watermark... my family and Tabea (one of our staff members).

One went to become a teacher in North Rhine-Westfalen.  A young couple is back in the USA.  Another is serving at her home church back in the Netherlands.  The last one is still in Freiburg and we see her from time to time, but she just isn't involved anymore.

I remember one of my mentors telling me that very few of those that start with you will complete the journey with you.  I knew this going into the church planting process... but today reminded me of just how true this is.

God brings some people into our lives for just a season.  Our job is to encourage them to follow the God's path for their individual lives.  We need to help them get where they're supposed to be... even if that isn't with us or our church.

Although not pictured here, one couple that helped us for the first year told us that their kids had made friendships with kids in another church through an after-school program, and they wanted to start attending that church.  I know that pastor - he's a good guy.  They'll be involved in a good church where their kids are happy.  I was happy to give them our blessing.  Actually, this couple expected us to tell them they were missing God's will, but we instead encouraged them to get involved in their new church

Another couple was "on loan" from their church for a year.  They were an immense help, but felt that when their year was up they needed to get involved again with their home church.  Others have moved for jobs or school, etc.

Some won't complete the journey because it's too tough, or because of disappointment or disillusionment, and that's okay too.  As individuals from our launch team told us they weren't happy at Watermark anymore, or that "things just don't feel the same as they used to," we weren't surprised.  Of course not... our church is growing!  It's supposed to change, just like a baby is expected to grow.

As my mentor says, "People will view the church in light of the size it was when they first came."  If they joined the church or the team when we started (42 was our first month's average), they expected to have the same amount of access to us and to the other team members.  We were one big happy family.  We met at the church and at my office (Starbucks) on a regular basis.  But as the church started to grow and more people got involved, this became more difficult.

Let me put it this way: as we've grown, so has the number of relationships... actually, the number of relationships increases exponentially for each new person involved.  When you go from five people to six the number of relationships increases from 10 to 15  And the more people you add, the more complex this becomes.

With this in mind, it's easy to see why people become frustrated.  It's harder and harder to have the close knit relationships we used to have... especially when our mission is to continually expand our relational circles.  We have to be prepared for the fact that most of the people we start with won't complete the journey with us.

God asks us, though, to develop each person He sends to us, and to have them develop others.  We have to trust that when good people leave - especially those we've invested heavily in - He will send us others that are even better.

Remember... whatever we sow (plant) we will reap (harvest). (Galatians 6:7)  If we want the right people to come to us, we need to be willing to release people to fulfill their destiny.  In other words, we need to pastor with open hands... hands that welcome people when they come.  And hands that release people (with a blessing) when they go.

Giants in the land

The first 18 months of our church planting journey weren't easy, but they weren't hard either.  God's amazing grace was there the entire time to help us everytime we ran into a snag.  We could see His hands in action everywhere we looked.

Well last summer I felt God speaking to me about our church.  It was as if He was saying, "The grace you've been walking in is about to change."  It felt as if we were the Israelites on the edge of the Promised Land.  Everyday they experienced a fresh supply of manna.  They didn't have to work for it.  They didn't have to even pray about it.  It was just there... every single day!  That's exactly what it was like for us.

But God was telling me that we were getting ready to enter the Promised Land.  That this "no-work" blessing was going to change.  He was clear, though, that we were going to be entering "a land flowing with milk and honey!"  But we would have to work for it.  The land would produce what we needed... even an abundance.  But there would be effort involved.

Let me tell you... He was right!  Since the beginning of the year (2012) it's been a real struggle.  Our staff and many of the members of our team and our church have had some real battles.  I had forgotten something about the Promised Land... there are giants there.  And we've seen them raise their ugly heads.  At times we've felt like quitting, and it's been really tough to stay on task.  But we know what God has called us to do... and we're determined to do it!

These past few months have been a real time of soul-searching for our staff, our team and our church.  It's almost as if we've come through the spiritual Winter season.  There are beautiful sights to see in Winter (snow, etc), but it's cold and lonely... it seems like it will never end.  But while on the outside everything seems dead, on the inside, things are getting ready for Spring.  Without Winter there can be no Spring.

The good news is that we've seen God's blessing increase.  More people are coming to Christ, more people are making fresh dedications of their lives to Him, more people are being filled with God's Spirit.  And our influence is growing as rapidly as our attendance.  Our Servolution and our Easter Egg Hunt opened the door for a local school to ask our church to help them rebuild some of their playground equipment. (This NEVER happens in Germany!!!)

I guess I'm writing this as a catharsis.  Honestly, we're in a good place.  It's been a tough, but good process.  These times really force you to see where your faith is centered.  Is it focused on "results" or finances, or is it focused on the One who called us to plant this church in the first place?

If you're a church planter, be encouraged.  There are tough times all along the journey.  But God is there every step of the way.  There will be marvelous opportunities to give up.  But don't even allow yourself to entertain the thought of quitting.  If you'll just stay the course, you'll see the prize!

The mistakes we made...

I met with a prospective church planter today.  As we talked he asked what mistakes I had made... he wanted to learn from them.  What an excellent question!  I'm going to list a few of the mistakes we've made.  Maybe you can learn from them as well.

• I made a decision without seeking God.  Another young church wanted to rent our building on Sunday evenings.  Because they were small they asked if they could have it cheap.  And they wanted it immediately because their lease was up.  It started out okay, but they asked for too much too soon ("Can we use it another couple of nights a week for the same price?  Can we have the key?  Can we use the sound system?  Can we...?")
• I wanted to help them out, so I said yes without taking enough time to really seek God about it.
• I didn't charge them enough to begin with because I wanted to help them.  It was okay at first, but turned out to be difficult when we had to start charging more because of heating costs.
• I allowed them to have a large event there without enough of our staff there to make sure everything was okay.  They ended up using our personal instruments and equipment and allowing children into areas we had clearly said were off-limits (and that without supervision).  The necessary conversation (confrontation) afterwards wasn't pleasant.  I could've saved us all a headache had I just proceeded slowly.
• In the end I felt just like Joshua when he was tricked. (Joshua 9)  He and the elders of Israel didn't seek God about a major decision, and it cost them.
• After some more differences of opinion, raising the rental price and frustration on both sides, we finally came to an understanding.  In the end it turned out to be a good working relationship with them... but not without a high emotional cost up front which coud have been avoided had I taken it slower and prayed the situation out.
• Lesson learned: Take time to seek God about the decisions you have to make.  And if you're uncomfortable about a decision there is probably a reason for it.
• I missed opportunities that came dressed as interruptions or inconveniences.
• One time it was a homeless person that came to our service.  I spent some time talking with him and gave him some money for lunch.  But as we drove away (and he walked away) I knew I was supposed to have given him a ride, taken him out to eat with my family and brought to the train station and bought him a ticket.  I was tired, so I passed up a God-given opportunity to minister to this young man.
• Another time I was at the Freiburg main train station.  I had already missed the train I was supposed to catch to take me home.  Now I was hanging out at McDonalds working through my emails, awaiting the last train out of town for the night.  10 minutes before my train came I packed up my stuff to go. Then I noticed a teenager at the next table that was obviously bored.  He was playing with his phone and with the tray his food had been on.  I felt as if I should talk with him, but I chose instead to make sure I caught my train so I could be back with my family.  It was good to be back with my family, but definitely a bad choice.  I had disobeyed God.
• Lesson learned: Never disobey what God puts in your heart to do.  I'll never know what could have come from each of those opportunities.  But I am determined to obey God the next time!
• I didn't confront as quickly or decisively as I should have.
• We had a very talented team member that was sort of a "diva".  Everything had to always be about this person... whether it was prayer, or it was music, or whatever.  They were happy to serve, but when they were serving, they took the most "high status" serving position.  Because this person was immature, I used "kiddie gloves" with them because I thought they couldn't take it (instead of being brutally honest with them, which would have led to quicker growth in their lives... or possibly to them leaving).  In the end, when they left I realized I had helped them grow, but not as much as I could have.  I partially wasted the time we had with them.
• I realized I was too patient with this person, and with others.  As a leader I am responsible for helping my team grow... at times this means I need to be brutally honest with people and hold them accountable.  That's not always the best thing to do, but in this case, it was definitely the right thing.
• Lesson learned: When I don't confront people, I am not honoring them enough to help them grow.  It shows that I am valuing their gifts or talents more than I value them as a person.  And Jim Collins writes that when we allow a person to remain on the team that is either a low performer, or has a bad attitude, it hurts the team morale.  And you lose credibility with your top performers because they can see that this person either needs to be retrained, repositioned or removed.
• I invested too much time and energy in the wrong people because I saw their potential. 
• We had people on the team that were highly talented, but not very motivated.  When it comes to the church, I am a talent scout... I enjoy finding talented people and encouraging them to develop their gifts and use them to further the Kingdom of God.  The problem is that I sometimes spend too much time trying to motivate unmotivated but gifted people.  I see the potential of their gifts so I work hard to bring it out.  I guess I think that if I can get them using their gifts for God they'll realize how exciting it is to be used by God to help others and jump in with all their heart.  Unfortunately this isn't usually the case.
• When I focus on this kind of person, it ends up wearing me out.  These kinds of people are often like black holes... they consume resources but don't give anything.
• Lesson learned: I should have looked for willingness to apply what they heard rather than ability.  I have a responsbility to invest where I get the most return.  It's the most responsible way to invest the gifts God has given me.  I only have so much energy, time, prayer, finances, etc to give.  I need to spend (invest) them wisely.
• Jesus talks about how people respond to the Gospel in Mark 4 (Parable of the Sower).  Some reject it.  Some receive it with joy immediately, but later walk away when times get tough.  Still others receive the message, but life's care and worries choke out its effectiveness.
• Finally, there are some which He calls "good ground".  They receive the message, take it to heart, apply it and produce fruit.  But even then, some only produce 30% of what they are capable of.  Others produce only 60% of what they are capable of.  And some produce to their full potential.  This last group is where we should be investing the lion's share of our time.
• Some will say this isn't fair.  But even Jesus chose only 12 from among the multitudes.  And only three of them went everywhere with Him.  He didn't concern Himself with what was fair.  He knew what He was doing, and invested the most in His top people.

I hope these thoughts have helped you process some of the struggles you will face.  My prayer is that you as a church planter come to the right place at the right time with the right people to build a thriving, life-giving church.

New Perrin Ministries Blog: Seeking Closure

New Perrin Ministries Blog: Seeking Closure - http://perrinministries.blogspot.com/2011/11/seeking-closure.html

Thoughts on Church Planting and Church Government

When it came time to setup the legal association for Watermark, we followed the ARC (http://relatedchurches.com) model within a European context.  This means we have an internal Council and an external Board. The Council consists of seasoned believers within our church that are "on-board" with the vision and core values, and are able to think out of the box.  They have no voting rights, but are there to help me think through issues we are facing and offer suggestions.

The Board is made up of voting members (from other European cities). They are all seasoned ministers that are well-respected and that I've known for a long time (and that know me and my heart well).  I explained to them at length what we had in our heart to create and how we wanted to proceed to make sure they understood clearly before I asked them to be on our Board.

I learned a long time ago not to have people in your church be your voting members until you've firmly established who you are, both as a team and as a church. You need to have freedom to be able to tweak the vision, core values, etc. As you find what works for you, and you get a better idea of who are your "seed planted in good ground" people (Mark 4:8), you can begin to add people within your church to the "voting membership". 

I've seen good pastors in Germany get voted out because of a manipulator that is power hungry. I believe most church splits are caused by those that are "planted in rocky soil" (Mark 4:5-6), meaning they get involved quickly with a lot of excitement, but when times get tough, they try to steer the church in the direction of what makes them comfortable, or keeps them in the spotlight (or in a position of authority). They are totally with you until you do something they don't like.

People that have a vote need to be people that are mature enough to understand what God is calling you and your church to become, confident enough to challenge you (when necessary), and humble enough to pray it out (rather than fight/manipulate) and make decisions that are in the best interests of the church. 

And if anyone ever tells you they want to be in the voting membership, you DON'T WANT them in the voting membership!  You want people that will make decisions based on those that haven't yet come through the doors.  You want people who vote that understand it's not about them, but about those that are far from God (those that Jesus misses most).

I tell my team and my church that if they have a problem with me they are welcome to contact my Board and take it up with them. I am submitted to my Board, and will adjust, if necessary.

A Sabbath rest for pastors

It's Monday... the day of rest for many pastors. Because we don't get Sundays off like everyone else, we need to choose another day.

Actually, taking a day off is one of the Ten Commandments...
 
“Remember to keep the Sabbath holy." - Exodus 20:8. 

The biblical term is "Sabbath".  It was commanded by God so the people would take a day off to rest and enjoy, rather than just working seven days a week.  And notice that God tells us to keep it holy... He places a spiritual value on it. 

Last week I took my first Sabbath rest in over three months.  Because of all that had to be done I just worked seven days a week.  I knew planting a church would be difficult, but I never realized just how difficult.  There were people to be contacted, calls to be made, emails to send, chairs, children's and musical equipment to be ordered, meetings with our team, city officials and neighbors... The list could go on and on.

Two weeks ago God really started dealing with me about the importance of taking a Sabbath, as He had commanded.  I know the importance of this - I even teach pastors about it.  But it's difficult in the real world to take a true day of rest. (My wife says I should be actually be taking a break from writing this.)  And although my first day of rest was a welcomed break, today has been tough.  It seems as if there's more to do than ever.

It all comes down to faith... faith that God will enable us to do more in the remaining six days than we could have done in seven days.  This is not easy.  But God calls us to trust Him.  And He knows what is best for us.  The Bible says that Jesus came "to give us life - more and better life than we could ever have on our own!"  If we believe this, we’ll do what He says…

So pastors, now you have a choice... Will you obey and take a Sabbath?  Or will you keep on doing what we've been doing?